1 00:00:00,938 --> 00:00:06,238 2 00:00:16,560 --> 00:00:18,085 Just in for ma rolls. 3 00:00:18,160 --> 00:00:19,764 Oh, nae rolls the day. 4 00:00:19,840 --> 00:00:22,844 But I wanted a roll and sausage. 5 00:00:22,920 --> 00:00:25,844 I went and bought sausages. Want a roll. 6 00:00:25,920 --> 00:00:27,809 Nae rolls. 7 00:00:27,880 --> 00:00:29,006 What d'ye mean, nae rolls? 8 00:00:29,080 --> 00:00:33,404 I mean there's nae rolls the day, mate. Nae rolls. 9 00:00:33,480 --> 00:00:36,609 When's the rolls guy coming in wi' the rolls? 10 00:00:36,680 --> 00:00:40,002 The rolls guy's no' coming, mate. The rolls guy's no' bringing any rolls. 11 00:00:40,080 --> 00:00:41,286 Nae rolls. 12 00:00:41,360 --> 00:00:44,091 But I've went and bought sausages. 13 00:00:44,160 --> 00:00:47,562 I'm sorry you've bought sausages, mate, right? Nae rolls. 14 00:00:47,640 --> 00:00:49,324 Have ye no' even got wan roll? 15 00:00:49,400 --> 00:00:51,402 I've got nae rolls. 16 00:00:52,720 --> 00:00:55,610 But I wanted a roll and sausage. 17 00:00:55,680 --> 00:00:58,411 Well, mebbe you should have checked if there was rolls first, 18 00:00:58,480 --> 00:01:03,202 right, cos there's always sausages, but sometimes there's nae rolls and today, 19 00:01:03,280 --> 00:01:06,568 on this day, on this day today, today at this moment, 20 00:01:06,640 --> 00:01:11,248 at this moment, as we're staunin' here the noo, mate, there's nae rolls. 21 00:01:12,680 --> 00:01:14,284 Any rolls frae yesterday? 22 00:01:14,360 --> 00:01:16,522 Nae rolls. 23 00:01:16,600 --> 00:01:18,841 Any saft rolls? 24 00:01:18,920 --> 00:01:22,208 Nae hard rolls, nae saft rolls, nae well-fired rolls, 25 00:01:22,280 --> 00:01:24,282 nae seeded buns, mate, nae rolls. 26 00:01:25,880 --> 00:01:27,882 Are sausages like hot dogs? 27 00:01:29,040 --> 00:01:30,007 What?! 28 00:01:30,080 --> 00:01:31,889 Are sausages like hot dogs? 29 00:01:31,960 --> 00:01:33,564 No' reall... 30 00:01:33,640 --> 00:01:35,369 Aye, kinda. 31 00:01:40,560 --> 00:01:43,530 - Any hot dog rolls? - There's nae rolls. 32 00:01:43,600 --> 00:01:46,001 Right? Hear me as I say this, mate, right? 33 00:01:46,080 --> 00:01:49,323 If you never hear one mair thing in your life ever again, 34 00:01:49,400 --> 00:01:53,405 there are nae rolls in this building the day. Nae rolls. 35 00:01:53,480 --> 00:01:56,882 - Nae rolls? - Nae rolls. 36 00:01:56,960 --> 00:01:59,566 See the thing is, right, 37 00:01:59,640 --> 00:02:01,165 I wanted a roll and sausage. 38 00:02:01,240 --> 00:02:02,730 There's breid. 39 00:02:02,800 --> 00:02:04,609 Have a piece and sausage. 40 00:02:04,680 --> 00:02:07,729 I don't want a piece and sausage. I want a roll and sausage. 41 00:02:07,800 --> 00:02:11,600 - But there's nae rolls, mate. - Have ye no' even got wan roll? 42 00:02:16,960 --> 00:02:19,281 Even one of thae packets of rolls would dae. 43 00:02:19,360 --> 00:02:20,691 Mate, there's nae rolls! 44 00:02:20,760 --> 00:02:23,331 There's nae rolls! If there was rolls, 45 00:02:23,400 --> 00:02:26,609 I would sell you the lot of them, mate. I would make that roll and sausage masel, 46 00:02:26,680 --> 00:02:28,250 but there's nae rolls. 47 00:02:28,320 --> 00:02:30,322 Do you hear me, mate? Nae rolls! 48 00:02:31,400 --> 00:02:34,290 Aye, all right. I was just askin'. 49 00:02:38,480 --> 00:02:39,845 Nae rolls, mate! 50 00:02:44,560 --> 00:02:46,403 Still nae rolls! 51 00:02:53,800 --> 00:02:55,928 - Can I help you? - Any rolls the day? 52 00:02:56,000 --> 00:02:58,810 Aye, hunners o' them. 53 00:02:58,880 --> 00:03:00,006 C'mon, I'll take ye ower to them. 54 00:03:10,000 --> 00:03:13,766 A donation of as little as one pound a month 55 00:03:13,840 --> 00:03:16,525 could be invaluable to the hospice and... 56 00:03:16,600 --> 00:03:19,251 Listen, mate, I'm really sorry for interrupting you, 57 00:03:19,320 --> 00:03:22,449 but I'm just aboot to head oot the door and I really don't have time tae... 58 00:03:22,520 --> 00:03:24,488 Is there anybody else I can talk to? 59 00:03:24,560 --> 00:03:28,042 No, no, no, it's just me that's in just now, and I'm aboot to shoot. 60 00:03:28,120 --> 00:03:31,249 Oh, OK, OK. Should I come back later? 61 00:03:31,320 --> 00:03:34,847 Aye, aye, aye, sure. Come back, I'm just in a real hurry just now. 62 00:03:34,920 --> 00:03:37,366 OK, sir, bye-bye. 63 00:03:37,440 --> 00:03:38,885 Right, bye-bye. 64 00:03:43,000 --> 00:03:46,288 Why did you tell him to come back, wasting the guy's time. 65 00:03:46,360 --> 00:03:48,886 - Just say no. - I don't like saying no. 66 00:03:48,960 --> 00:03:50,689 So you'd rather lie about gaein' oot? 67 00:03:51,760 --> 00:03:55,287 That was stupid. Why did I say I'd rushed oot? 68 00:03:55,360 --> 00:03:59,081 The guy's oot in the street, he'll see I've no' rushed oot. 69 00:04:00,680 --> 00:04:03,251 Aw, brilliant! 70 00:04:03,320 --> 00:04:08,247 Look, he's sitting on the wall. I'm gonnae have to kid on to go oot noo. 71 00:04:08,320 --> 00:04:10,800 I'm actually gonnae have to pretend I'm going somewhere. 72 00:04:10,880 --> 00:04:12,928 You've nowhere to go! 73 00:04:21,800 --> 00:04:24,929 Sorry, I shouldn't be sitting on your wall there. 74 00:04:25,000 --> 00:04:27,002 I was just checking the sheet here. 75 00:04:27,080 --> 00:04:30,323 No, you're all right, mate. Listen, sorry I couldnae talk to you there, 76 00:04:30,400 --> 00:04:34,086 I had to get ready to head oot. In a rush. 77 00:04:34,160 --> 00:04:35,127 It's no bother, mate. 78 00:04:49,040 --> 00:04:50,485 Argh! 79 00:05:10,480 --> 00:05:11,447 Hello? 80 00:05:11,520 --> 00:05:13,124 It's me. I think I've broke my ankle. 81 00:05:13,200 --> 00:05:16,090 - What are ye talking about? - I tripped at the corner. 82 00:05:16,160 --> 00:05:17,844 You'll need to come in the motor and get me. 83 00:05:17,920 --> 00:05:19,524 Can ye no' get back yourself? 84 00:05:19,600 --> 00:05:22,046 Oh, aye, that's no' gonnae look suss to the guy, is it? 85 00:05:22,120 --> 00:05:23,724 Me limpin' back two seconds later. 86 00:05:23,800 --> 00:05:26,610 - Just come and get me. - I cannae. 87 00:05:26,680 --> 00:05:28,444 I'm not meant to be here, am I? 88 00:05:28,520 --> 00:05:30,363 You made out like it was just you in the hoose. 89 00:05:30,440 --> 00:05:33,330 What's it gonnae look like if I suddenly pop out the door? 90 00:05:33,400 --> 00:05:34,640 Right enough, right enough. 91 00:05:34,720 --> 00:05:37,326 I'll just need to wait it oot. 92 00:06:01,280 --> 00:06:02,611 Argh! 93 00:06:02,680 --> 00:06:06,480 What're you doing?! Pal? Are you all right? 94 00:06:06,560 --> 00:06:08,688 - Don't talk to me. - What? 95 00:06:08,760 --> 00:06:12,242 - He cannae know I'm here. - Just...just go away. 96 00:06:18,200 --> 00:06:22,046 - Where the bloody hell are ye? - He's still there. 97 00:06:22,120 --> 00:06:24,441 That's a convincing amount of time to have been out for. 98 00:06:24,520 --> 00:06:26,010 But if he's still there when I come back, 99 00:06:26,080 --> 00:06:28,481 he's gonnae want to talk to me aboot his bloody charity, in't he? 100 00:06:28,560 --> 00:06:32,281 It's dark noo, and I cannae put any lights or a telly on. 101 00:06:32,360 --> 00:06:33,930 You've been away for four hours. 102 00:06:34,000 --> 00:06:37,209 Four hours? Four hours! 103 00:06:39,040 --> 00:06:44,126 Four hours, sittin' waitin' ootside ma hoose for four hours? 104 00:06:44,200 --> 00:06:47,170 Look at me. Look what you've done to me. 105 00:06:57,160 --> 00:06:58,127 You're deid. 106 00:06:59,400 --> 00:07:01,004 Bloody typical. 107 00:07:02,120 --> 00:07:04,441 That's what I get. 108 00:07:04,520 --> 00:07:05,965 That's what I get! 109 00:07:09,680 --> 00:07:13,162 Hiya, ma name's Kelly McGlade. 110 00:07:13,240 --> 00:07:15,368 My girl band's got a gig the night. 111 00:07:15,440 --> 00:07:17,329 So I'd better go and pick up 112 00:07:17,400 --> 00:07:19,448 these two wee manky skeletons that staun behind me. 113 00:07:23,240 --> 00:07:26,483 Well, this is us, ma band, God help me. 114 00:07:26,560 --> 00:07:28,608 We used to be called the Snide Rides 115 00:07:28,680 --> 00:07:31,490 and then we changed it to the Sizzlechests and then it was, em... 116 00:07:31,560 --> 00:07:33,130 Then it was the Sweaty Betties. 117 00:07:33,200 --> 00:07:36,090 Aye, then it was the Mingers, then it was the Do Your Dingers, 118 00:07:36,160 --> 00:07:38,845 then it was Romantic Cellulite and then it was, er... 119 00:07:38,920 --> 00:07:40,081 Stupid Bastarts. 120 00:07:40,160 --> 00:07:43,960 Aye, and then the Sex Cows and then it was the Helfy Howlers, 121 00:07:44,040 --> 00:07:45,929 then it was the...Six Tits. 122 00:07:46,000 --> 00:07:48,571 Then we finally settled on what we are just noo, 123 00:07:48,640 --> 00:07:50,608 Kelly And The Sloppy Seconds. 124 00:07:50,680 --> 00:07:53,126 - We'd better get moving, Kelly. - Aye, true. 125 00:07:55,520 --> 00:07:59,730 Erm, this next song's a bit of a political song. 126 00:07:59,800 --> 00:08:02,724 It's aboot how the judges and the courts treat your boyfriend 127 00:08:02,800 --> 00:08:04,723 when all he's done is chinned a guy 128 00:08:04,800 --> 00:08:07,041 for posting a shite through his granny's letter box. 129 00:08:07,120 --> 00:08:09,691 - I mean, that's disgusting. - Here! 130 00:08:09,760 --> 00:08:13,970 It was your boyfriend that posted that excreta hissel, hen. 131 00:08:14,040 --> 00:08:17,408 Excreta? Excuse me? 132 00:08:17,480 --> 00:08:19,289 The shite. 133 00:08:19,360 --> 00:08:24,321 Your boyfriend posted it hissel as an excuse so he could leather Tommo. 134 00:08:24,400 --> 00:08:26,004 He was boasting aboot it down here. 135 00:08:26,080 --> 00:08:27,844 You sayin' my ex lies to me? 136 00:08:27,920 --> 00:08:30,969 I'm sayin' the truth of the behaviours of men is sometimes 137 00:08:31,040 --> 00:08:35,045 better left outside the sphere of female knowledge, hen. Is all. 138 00:08:35,120 --> 00:08:37,088 The sphere of female knowledge? 139 00:08:37,160 --> 00:08:39,606 Maybe I should come ower and clatter this ankle boot 140 00:08:39,680 --> 00:08:42,286 against your spheres of male ballage. 141 00:08:42,360 --> 00:08:43,771 Just sing your song, hen. 142 00:08:43,840 --> 00:08:45,490 D'ye think we're performing monkeys or somethin'?! 143 00:08:45,560 --> 00:08:47,403 - Just leave it, Kelly. - Naw, naw, naw. 144 00:08:47,480 --> 00:08:50,609 Listen, I bet the last time a woman did what you telt her 145 00:08:50,680 --> 00:08:52,284 was when you asked your maw 146 00:08:52,360 --> 00:08:55,011 to go and hide your da's falsers before he gave you a gobble this morning. 147 00:08:55,080 --> 00:08:57,686 Don't you talk about ma maw, ya wee hairy. 148 00:08:57,760 --> 00:08:59,250 Excuse me? 149 00:08:59,320 --> 00:09:04,884 These two might be hairies, but I'm no'. I've got dreams. 150 00:09:04,960 --> 00:09:06,769 I'm gonnae make it oot o' here, 151 00:09:06,840 --> 00:09:08,490 just like you're gonnae make it oot o' here. 152 00:09:08,560 --> 00:09:10,881 - Me? - Aye. 153 00:09:10,960 --> 00:09:13,964 In an ambulance. 154 00:09:14,040 --> 00:09:17,169 - Ohhhhh... - Somebody go and pick him up. 155 00:09:17,240 --> 00:09:19,607 He sounds like one of ma da's Scott Walker albums. 156 00:09:29,480 --> 00:09:33,724 Now, Mr Glover, in all my years as a sperm banker, 157 00:09:33,800 --> 00:09:38,886 I've never come across anyone who's contributed as much sperm as you. 158 00:09:38,960 --> 00:09:40,450 On our Spermometer, you've chalked up 159 00:09:40,520 --> 00:09:44,923 over 16,000 gallons of grade A glug-a-glug. 160 00:09:45,000 --> 00:09:46,490 Nae bother. 161 00:09:46,560 --> 00:09:49,643 Just gie's a bucket, I'll knock a few out while we're sitting here. 162 00:09:49,720 --> 00:09:52,485 We've not actually called you in for that reason, Mr Glover. 163 00:09:52,560 --> 00:09:55,484 We have a...confession to make. 164 00:09:55,560 --> 00:09:57,403 What's that? 165 00:09:57,480 --> 00:10:00,086 A few years ago, we had a problem with the freezers, 166 00:10:00,160 --> 00:10:02,322 and all of our samples were destroyed. 167 00:10:02,400 --> 00:10:04,448 All, that is, apart from yours. 168 00:10:04,520 --> 00:10:07,091 So for a while there, we were using your sperm 169 00:10:07,160 --> 00:10:09,561 exclusively on all of our clients. 170 00:10:09,640 --> 00:10:13,531 I'm no' fussy, mate. You seen some of the things I've nipped? 171 00:10:13,600 --> 00:10:15,125 How many weans have I got? 172 00:10:15,200 --> 00:10:19,285 My wee pal Scott's got ten weans frae ten different women. 173 00:10:19,360 --> 00:10:21,442 If I beat him, I'll be quite happy. 174 00:10:21,520 --> 00:10:23,648 It's a little bit higher than that. 175 00:10:23,720 --> 00:10:25,768 - How many? - You have to understand... 176 00:10:25,840 --> 00:10:27,365 How many? 177 00:10:27,440 --> 00:10:29,442 Six thousand. 178 00:10:32,400 --> 00:10:35,244 Six...thousand? 179 00:10:35,320 --> 00:10:38,085 Well, you do make a deposit here five or six times a day. 180 00:10:38,160 --> 00:10:40,447 It's a lot of sperm to go around. 181 00:10:40,520 --> 00:10:42,488 I just thought it would be worth mentioning. 182 00:10:42,560 --> 00:10:46,690 Really? You thought it might be worth mentioning that I've got 6,000 weans? 183 00:10:46,760 --> 00:10:50,890 Yes. You know, what with the recent changes in Burnistoun law, 184 00:10:50,960 --> 00:10:55,807 you're now financially responsible for each of those 6,000 children. 185 00:10:55,880 --> 00:10:58,770 Mate, I'm no' even financially responsible for masel. 186 00:10:58,840 --> 00:11:01,844 Why d'ye think I'm comin' in here chugging for ma chip money? 187 00:11:03,440 --> 00:11:06,569 How much money am I gonnae have to fork oot here? 188 00:11:06,640 --> 00:11:08,244 At a rough estimate, 189 00:11:08,320 --> 00:11:13,360 I'd imagine you'd be expected to pay around �300,000 a week. 190 00:11:13,440 --> 00:11:20,164 And then there's the back payments, which would total...�90 million. 191 00:11:20,240 --> 00:11:22,527 �90 million. 192 00:11:22,600 --> 00:11:24,090 Do they take Provy cheques? 193 00:11:24,160 --> 00:11:26,925 I've no idea what they are. 194 00:11:27,000 --> 00:11:30,482 Let's move on to the more serious matter now. 195 00:11:30,560 --> 00:11:32,289 That wasnae the serious matter? 196 00:11:32,360 --> 00:11:35,523 No. We also sold your sperm to some scientists 197 00:11:35,600 --> 00:11:38,410 who were involved in stem cell research, 198 00:11:38,480 --> 00:11:42,007 one of whom was a mad scientist who used it to create 199 00:11:42,080 --> 00:11:44,686 a half-human, half-plant hybrid. 200 00:11:44,760 --> 00:11:48,287 I'm no' paying out child support money for a plant monster. 201 00:11:48,360 --> 00:11:50,408 No, it's not actually the money they're after. 202 00:11:50,480 --> 00:11:54,804 You see, the mad scientist recently passed away, 203 00:11:54,880 --> 00:11:59,363 so that half-plant, half-human monster experiment 204 00:11:59,440 --> 00:12:02,205 is now legally your dependant. 205 00:12:02,280 --> 00:12:05,329 - Wha'? - Mr Glover... 206 00:12:06,640 --> 00:12:09,166 please let me introduce your beautiful son... 207 00:12:09,240 --> 00:12:11,607 Project X54. 208 00:12:13,480 --> 00:12:16,165 Get aff us, ya freak! 209 00:12:16,240 --> 00:12:20,131 Check the state of ye. I bet ye've got greenfly. 210 00:12:20,200 --> 00:12:23,602 - Who's this? - Project X54, 211 00:12:23,680 --> 00:12:25,409 say hello to your father. 212 00:12:27,400 --> 00:12:28,367 This is my da? 213 00:12:30,160 --> 00:12:32,242 Here's to you, boys. 214 00:12:34,840 --> 00:12:36,001 That's milk! 215 00:12:37,800 --> 00:12:40,929 Coming soon to BBC Burnistoun. 216 00:12:41,000 --> 00:12:43,731 It just disnae make sense. 217 00:12:43,800 --> 00:12:48,203 The only way that this bastard could have committed these murders 218 00:12:48,280 --> 00:12:52,524 is if he had inside knowledge of police procedure. 219 00:12:52,600 --> 00:12:55,888 Oh, for Christ's sake, it's no' wan of us again, is it? 220 00:12:55,960 --> 00:12:58,042 How many times can a serial killer 221 00:12:58,120 --> 00:13:00,964 turn oot to be wan o' the polis in the big twist? 222 00:13:01,040 --> 00:13:02,849 Who was it? Come on. 223 00:13:05,560 --> 00:13:07,688 You...killed all of them? 224 00:13:09,000 --> 00:13:10,445 Away and put yersel in a cell by yersel. 225 00:13:10,520 --> 00:13:12,329 Go on. 226 00:13:13,920 --> 00:13:16,764 The minute the gaffer said this investigation would be startin' 227 00:13:16,840 --> 00:13:18,968 on a Sunday and conclude on the following Friday, 228 00:13:19,040 --> 00:13:22,169 I should have known it'd be one of us. It always is. 229 00:13:24,920 --> 00:13:27,526 Why are you covered in blood? 230 00:13:27,600 --> 00:13:29,523 - Um... - I'm tired of this. 231 00:13:29,600 --> 00:13:31,682 Away and find a cell wi' your mate, go on. 232 00:13:31,760 --> 00:13:33,967 But I've only killed two guys. 233 00:13:34,040 --> 00:13:36,771 And only to get revenge for something that happened in a flashback. 234 00:13:36,840 --> 00:13:38,330 I don't care. Cell! 235 00:13:41,040 --> 00:13:43,646 Anybody else killed anybody? 236 00:13:43,720 --> 00:13:45,643 I want the truth! 237 00:13:45,720 --> 00:13:50,044 See ma wee, deaf, wheelchair-bound wife? 238 00:13:50,120 --> 00:13:52,600 She's tired of me comin' hame at night and... 239 00:13:54,200 --> 00:13:56,168 staring oot the windae 240 00:13:56,240 --> 00:13:58,447 wi' a dark expression on ma face. 241 00:14:00,120 --> 00:14:01,531 Nae mair twists. 242 00:14:03,640 --> 00:14:04,607 Good. 243 00:14:09,800 --> 00:14:13,088 Aye, never saw that wan comin', did ye? 244 00:14:13,160 --> 00:14:16,528 Aye, ye did, exactly. Load of shite. 245 00:14:16,600 --> 00:14:17,931 Load of shite. 246 00:14:22,600 --> 00:14:25,490 Which one of the police is it this time? 247 00:14:27,280 --> 00:14:31,171 What do you want, beautiful, elegant lady? 248 00:14:31,240 --> 00:14:32,765 Um, can I have an Aero? 249 00:14:32,840 --> 00:14:36,811 Of course you can. I would love to give you an Aero chocolate bar, 250 00:14:36,880 --> 00:14:38,291 that's my favourite chocolate, anyway, 251 00:14:38,360 --> 00:14:41,170 but I'd love to give you a taste too, anyway, you beautiful creature. 252 00:14:41,240 --> 00:14:42,810 Right. 253 00:14:51,560 --> 00:14:54,450 - That's 50 pence. - Where's your brother today? 254 00:14:54,520 --> 00:14:56,124 He's having a day off today, anyway, 255 00:14:56,200 --> 00:14:58,965 he works too hard so I'm doing it all by myself today, anyway. 256 00:14:59,040 --> 00:15:00,371 OK. 257 00:15:02,080 --> 00:15:03,206 I'll get your change. 258 00:15:04,280 --> 00:15:07,011 Psssst, doon here. 259 00:15:07,080 --> 00:15:08,650 God, are you all right? 260 00:15:08,720 --> 00:15:12,122 Of course I'm no' bloody all right. My brother's tied me up. 261 00:15:12,200 --> 00:15:13,406 Untie me. 262 00:15:13,480 --> 00:15:16,211 - What you looking at, anyway? - Nothing. 263 00:15:20,040 --> 00:15:22,247 Look at my stupid, rubbish, idiot brother. 264 00:15:22,320 --> 00:15:24,721 He's all tied up. He can't even escape, anyway. 265 00:15:24,800 --> 00:15:26,564 You've gone too far this time, Walter. 266 00:15:26,640 --> 00:15:29,325 - Do you want me to untie him? - Yes! 267 00:15:29,400 --> 00:15:32,324 No, don't untie him. He's just practising 268 00:15:32,400 --> 00:15:34,687 his party piece, anyway - he's an escape man, anyway. 269 00:15:34,760 --> 00:15:36,649 I am bloody not an escape man. 270 00:15:36,720 --> 00:15:38,404 You are an escape man! 271 00:15:38,480 --> 00:15:40,448 I should probably untie him. 272 00:15:40,520 --> 00:15:42,682 Just shut up and eat your chocolate, you ugly pig. 273 00:15:42,760 --> 00:15:44,330 Walter, 274 00:15:44,400 --> 00:15:48,371 what have I told you about speaking to our ugly customers like that? 275 00:15:48,440 --> 00:15:51,364 Shut up, escape man. You can't even break oot o' some rope. 276 00:15:51,440 --> 00:15:55,809 I'm so strong I can break oot of a crisp. Well, a corn snack, 277 00:15:55,880 --> 00:15:57,609 maybe not a tottie crisp, but... 278 00:15:57,680 --> 00:15:59,842 Hey, come back with my chocolate, 279 00:15:59,920 --> 00:16:01,490 - you smelly article. - I bought it. 280 00:16:12,080 --> 00:16:15,209 Walter, will you let me back inside the van, please? 281 00:16:18,040 --> 00:16:19,610 What do you say, anyway? 282 00:16:19,680 --> 00:16:21,250 Please. 283 00:16:21,320 --> 00:16:23,891 What's the password, anyway? 284 00:16:23,960 --> 00:16:25,166 The password is... 285 00:16:26,480 --> 00:16:28,482 Mammy loves Walter the best. 286 00:16:30,080 --> 00:16:33,084 OK, you can come back inside. 287 00:16:33,160 --> 00:16:36,004 Thank you. You know I love you, Walter. 288 00:16:36,080 --> 00:16:39,687 I know, anyway. I'll reel you in. 289 00:16:41,280 --> 00:16:42,247 You'll what? 290 00:16:46,560 --> 00:16:48,130 Walter! 291 00:16:48,200 --> 00:16:52,728 Come on! Oh, I've got a big wan now, anyway. 292 00:16:55,320 --> 00:16:57,368 All right, Sawney boy? 293 00:16:57,440 --> 00:16:59,841 - Just the usual? - Nah. Surprise me. 294 00:16:59,920 --> 00:17:02,161 Surprise ye? 295 00:17:02,240 --> 00:17:05,642 - I'll get ye a pint. - Och, no. I'm sick of pints. 296 00:17:05,720 --> 00:17:09,008 Pint, pint, pint, pint. Surprise me. 297 00:17:09,080 --> 00:17:12,527 - I'll get you a pint. - I don't want a pint. 298 00:17:12,600 --> 00:17:14,250 But you like pints. 299 00:17:14,320 --> 00:17:17,369 That's the thing. I don't even really like pints. 300 00:17:17,440 --> 00:17:18,851 But you're always drinking pints. 301 00:17:18,920 --> 00:17:20,809 But that's society, though, in't it? 302 00:17:20,880 --> 00:17:24,089 I mean, that's just you been conditioned into asking for 303 00:17:24,160 --> 00:17:26,083 what a guy like me asks for in a pub. 304 00:17:26,160 --> 00:17:29,243 A pint. Well, nae mair. Surprise me. 305 00:17:29,320 --> 00:17:33,405 You want me to shite in a glass and gie ye that? Is that surprise enough for you? 306 00:17:33,480 --> 00:17:36,848 Just gie me something...exotic. 307 00:17:41,760 --> 00:17:45,446 Well, I don't even know what hauf these things are. 308 00:17:45,520 --> 00:17:47,727 What's that one? I'll try that. 309 00:17:47,800 --> 00:17:49,245 Gin. 310 00:17:58,440 --> 00:17:59,521 Gie it a shake. 311 00:18:04,440 --> 00:18:05,407 What if I try...? 312 00:18:05,480 --> 00:18:07,926 You've got me. All right, you've got me. 313 00:18:08,000 --> 00:18:10,128 I don't know how to pour any other drinks. 314 00:18:10,200 --> 00:18:11,770 I've been in this pub that long 315 00:18:11,840 --> 00:18:14,002 the only thing I know how to pour is pints, right? 316 00:18:14,080 --> 00:18:17,482 I don't know what measures to use, I don't know what goes with what. 317 00:18:17,560 --> 00:18:22,441 I'm no' very well educated, am I, huh? Big man in campus wi' your gin. 318 00:18:22,520 --> 00:18:26,764 Listen, you drink in ma pub, you drink pints, all right? 319 00:18:30,960 --> 00:18:33,281 I've just won myself a holiday, boys. 320 00:18:33,360 --> 00:18:35,442 I think I'll celebrate wi' a wee pi�a colada. 321 00:18:58,600 --> 00:19:02,161 If you're gonnae be working for the Burnistoun Herald, son, 322 00:19:02,240 --> 00:19:04,447 you need to know what we're all aboot. 323 00:19:04,520 --> 00:19:08,411 Other newspapers promise you tomorrow's news today. 324 00:19:08,480 --> 00:19:13,202 But our motto is tomorrow's news yesterday. 325 00:19:13,280 --> 00:19:15,806 Tomorrow's news yesterday. 326 00:19:15,880 --> 00:19:19,566 Yes. And today is Wednesday, so that means we're printing... 327 00:19:19,640 --> 00:19:21,244 Thursday's news. 328 00:19:21,320 --> 00:19:22,890 No, no. 329 00:19:22,960 --> 00:19:26,123 Tomorrow's news, yes, but yesterday. 330 00:19:26,200 --> 00:19:29,010 Wednesday... Thurs... Friday's news! 331 00:19:29,080 --> 00:19:31,367 Yes. 332 00:19:31,440 --> 00:19:32,930 Get out! 333 00:19:34,320 --> 00:19:35,924 Max, get in here. 334 00:19:39,600 --> 00:19:41,125 What have you got for me, son? 335 00:19:41,200 --> 00:19:44,568 Burnistoun United manager Davie Soylent, he's been caught having an affair. 336 00:19:44,640 --> 00:19:46,608 I like it. When did this happen? 337 00:19:46,680 --> 00:19:48,569 - Today. - Today? 338 00:19:48,640 --> 00:19:50,290 What's this newspaper's motto? 339 00:19:50,360 --> 00:19:52,362 Tomorrow's news yesterday. 340 00:19:52,440 --> 00:19:55,842 Did I say today? I meant to say it happened tomorrow. 341 00:19:55,920 --> 00:19:59,925 Tomorrow's news yesterday, Max, no' tomorrow's news today. 342 00:20:00,000 --> 00:20:01,126 I mean, it's Friday's news, 343 00:20:01,200 --> 00:20:04,363 because if you print it tomorrow, then tomorrow's tomorrow is Friday. 344 00:20:04,440 --> 00:20:06,010 As it should be, yes. 345 00:20:06,080 --> 00:20:10,563 Which means the story broke on tomorrow's yesterday, which is... 346 00:20:10,640 --> 00:20:11,607 today. 347 00:20:11,680 --> 00:20:13,682 - So it's today's news. - Yes. 348 00:20:13,760 --> 00:20:15,683 Then it should have been printed on Monday. 349 00:20:15,760 --> 00:20:18,604 Somebody should have been sitting here on Monday morning saying, 350 00:20:18,680 --> 00:20:23,049 "Wonderful, this is tomorrow's news, and I read it yesterday." 351 00:20:23,120 --> 00:20:26,249 No, no, that's no' right either, because if he says on Monday 352 00:20:26,320 --> 00:20:29,449 that he read it yesterday, that means that he read it on Sunday. 353 00:20:29,520 --> 00:20:32,364 But... I... 354 00:20:32,440 --> 00:20:35,967 I don't even understand ma ain motto noo because of you pair. 355 00:20:36,040 --> 00:20:39,726 Haud on, I'll get Julie in here - she's much like masel, 356 00:20:39,800 --> 00:20:41,609 a good man for details. 357 00:20:41,680 --> 00:20:43,205 Julie, could you step in here, please? 358 00:20:43,280 --> 00:20:48,366 Julie, what the hell does tomorrow's news yesterday mean? 359 00:20:48,440 --> 00:20:51,683 It means we print tomorrow's news yesterday. 360 00:20:51,760 --> 00:20:55,651 See? Simple. Tomorrow's news, Thursday's news, 361 00:20:55,720 --> 00:20:57,563 yesterday, on Tuesday. 362 00:20:57,640 --> 00:20:58,641 That's it. 363 00:20:58,720 --> 00:21:01,724 So what are we supposed to be working on just now? 364 00:21:01,800 --> 00:21:04,041 Well... 365 00:21:04,120 --> 00:21:05,884 Oh, I... 366 00:21:07,000 --> 00:21:08,923 Right, right, picture this. 367 00:21:09,000 --> 00:21:12,288 Right, our reader's sitting there on a Tuesday morning 368 00:21:12,360 --> 00:21:14,283 reading Thursday's news. Right? 369 00:21:14,360 --> 00:21:17,967 And he's smiling a big satisfied grin and he's saying to hissel, 370 00:21:18,040 --> 00:21:23,809 "Good old Burnistoun Herald allowing me to me read tomorrow's news yesterday." 371 00:21:23,880 --> 00:21:27,043 No! That would mean he'd have read the news on a Monday. 372 00:21:27,120 --> 00:21:29,964 What in God's name's happening here? 373 00:21:30,040 --> 00:21:34,045 Look, it's simple. We always print tomorrow's news yesterday. 374 00:21:34,120 --> 00:21:37,567 When tomorrow's news comes, we've already printed it one day ago. 375 00:21:37,640 --> 00:21:41,406 So, we're printing newspapers people have already read already? 376 00:21:41,480 --> 00:21:43,528 - Nae wonder naebody's buying them. - Naw. 377 00:21:43,600 --> 00:21:46,285 Look, Davie Soylent has an affair. 378 00:21:46,360 --> 00:21:48,203 The news breaks on the Wednesday. 379 00:21:48,280 --> 00:21:51,090 But we've already printed that on the Monday. 380 00:21:51,160 --> 00:21:52,764 So what do I dae wi' this story? 381 00:21:52,840 --> 00:21:55,923 You heard the boy. Print it on Monday just past's newspaper. 382 00:21:56,000 --> 00:21:57,684 But how do I dae that? 383 00:21:57,760 --> 00:21:59,888 Don't ask me. You're the writer. 384 00:22:05,280 --> 00:22:07,123 Sorry, that's ma mobile. 385 00:22:10,120 --> 00:22:11,565 Sorry about that. 386 00:22:13,080 --> 00:22:14,411 Where was I? 387 00:22:24,040 --> 00:22:25,451 Aye? 388 00:22:25,520 --> 00:22:29,570 I hear you've been doin' your Bob-a-Job through flairs 11 to 22. 389 00:22:29,640 --> 00:22:31,130 What aboot it? 390 00:22:32,360 --> 00:22:34,522 I guess you're new round here. 391 00:22:34,600 --> 00:22:37,206 I dae the Bob-a-Job through flairs 10 up. 392 00:22:37,280 --> 00:22:39,760 No' any mair. 393 00:22:42,520 --> 00:22:47,970 If I hear of you moppin' the landing outside Mrs Muir's hoose again, 394 00:22:48,040 --> 00:22:51,123 I'll mop the landing outside your hoose. 395 00:22:52,200 --> 00:22:54,851 You widnae have the baws on ye. 396 00:23:01,880 --> 00:23:04,963 And you think I'm gonnae gie you a bob for this job?! 397 00:23:05,040 --> 00:23:08,283 You think I'm no' gonnae be doon moppin' your landing? 398 00:23:08,360 --> 00:23:09,964 I already mopped it. 399 00:23:11,560 --> 00:23:13,005 Then I'll Hoover your carpets... 400 00:23:14,880 --> 00:23:17,167 and I'll dust your blinds 401 00:23:17,240 --> 00:23:21,484 and I'll sew the button back on yer duffel coat, 402 00:23:21,560 --> 00:23:24,404 and yer maw'll love it. 403 00:23:24,480 --> 00:23:27,529 Don't talk that filth about ma maw. 404 00:23:27,600 --> 00:23:30,126 I'm the only wan that Bob-a-Jobs ma maw. 405 00:23:30,200 --> 00:23:31,167 McGrief! 406 00:23:33,920 --> 00:23:34,967 Tina. 407 00:23:35,040 --> 00:23:40,126 You let a McGrief do a Job for a Bob on our landing? 408 00:23:40,200 --> 00:23:43,409 I wasnae gonnae gie him a bob. 409 00:23:43,480 --> 00:23:45,721 That Boy Scout was gonnae do what he was telt. 410 00:23:45,800 --> 00:23:47,928 And I'm telling you. 411 00:23:48,000 --> 00:23:49,047 What?! 412 00:23:49,120 --> 00:23:53,603 Maybe I'll go doon and Bob-a-Job your whole landing for ye? 413 00:23:53,680 --> 00:23:57,207 Maybe I'll iron yer da's shirts. 414 00:23:57,280 --> 00:24:01,524 My da' disnae even agree wi' lassies being in the Scouts. 415 00:24:01,600 --> 00:24:04,524 Think he's gonnae let you go Bob-a-Job on his shirts?! 416 00:24:04,600 --> 00:24:05,567 Aye. 417 00:24:05,640 --> 00:24:07,927 What are these, then? 418 00:24:10,160 --> 00:24:12,128 I've already ironed them. 419 00:24:12,200 --> 00:24:14,567 Yer da' says ye didnae dae it right. 420 00:24:14,640 --> 00:24:19,168 But then he never, ever gave you that ironing badge, did he? 421 00:24:19,240 --> 00:24:22,323 How much did he pay you to Bob-a-Job his shirts? 422 00:24:22,400 --> 00:24:24,243 A bob. 423 00:24:25,360 --> 00:24:27,488 He only paid me hauf a bob. 424 00:24:28,600 --> 00:24:30,762 Oh, I'm finished wi' the Scouts. 425 00:24:30,840 --> 00:24:33,320 But I'm no finished wi' yous two. 426 00:25:00,720 --> 00:25:03,246 ? You, you work all night 427 00:25:03,320 --> 00:25:06,085 And when you're working You feel all right 428 00:25:06,160 --> 00:25:09,926 And when When things stop feeling all right 429 00:25:10,000 --> 00:25:12,207 And everything is all right 430 00:25:12,280 --> 00:25:15,409 ? Cos we will never listen to your rules 431 00:25:15,480 --> 00:25:18,290 - No! - We will never do as others do 432 00:25:18,360 --> 00:25:19,930 - No! - Know what we want 433 00:25:20,000 --> 00:25:21,001 And we get it from you 434 00:25:21,080 --> 00:25:24,050 Do what we like And we like what we do 435 00:25:24,120 --> 00:25:27,249 - So let's get a party going - Let's get a party going 436 00:25:27,320 --> 00:25:29,926 ? Now it's time to party And we'll party hard 437 00:25:30,000 --> 00:25:33,209 - Let's get a party going - Let's get a party going 438 00:25:33,280 --> 00:25:36,284 ? When it's time to party We will always party hard 439 00:25:36,360 --> 00:25:38,169 ? Party hard Party hard 440 00:25:38,240 --> 00:25:39,730 ? Party hard, party hard 441 00:25:39,800 --> 00:25:41,211 ? Party hard Party hard 442 00:25:41,280 --> 00:25:42,645 ? Party hard, party hard 443 00:25:42,720 --> 00:25:44,484 ? Party hard Party hard 444 00:25:44,560 --> 00:25:46,164 ? Party hard, party hard 445 00:25:46,240 --> 00:25:48,083 ? Party, party, party hard 446 00:25:48,160 --> 00:25:49,730 ? Party hard! 447 00:26:13,240 --> 00:26:14,685 All right! 448 00:26:21,560 --> 00:26:25,451 There are no two ways to tell you this, Mr Kelly. 449 00:26:25,520 --> 00:26:28,490 I'm afraid that your illness is terminal. 450 00:26:30,040 --> 00:26:31,121 Actually, 451 00:26:31,200 --> 00:26:34,727 there are two ways I could have told you. I could have told you over the phone. 452 00:26:34,800 --> 00:26:36,245 That would be a second way. 453 00:26:36,320 --> 00:26:41,042 - You could have sent me a letter. - True. True. That's three. Er, e-mail? 454 00:26:41,120 --> 00:26:43,441 Aye, aye, that's, er, that's four. 455 00:26:43,520 --> 00:26:45,568 - Um... - Um... 456 00:26:45,640 --> 00:26:47,165 You could have hired one of these 457 00:26:47,240 --> 00:26:50,210 aeroplanes with a banner thing on the back of them. 458 00:26:50,280 --> 00:26:51,520 "You're dying." 459 00:26:51,600 --> 00:26:53,841 That's five. Or even a smoke trail. 460 00:26:53,920 --> 00:26:55,809 A smoke trail would have been cool. 461 00:26:55,880 --> 00:26:59,521 That's six. Just let me grab a note pad here and I'll, er... 462 00:26:59,600 --> 00:27:02,126 - Er... - What else? 463 00:27:03,440 --> 00:27:05,647 There's your salt and vinegar crisps. 464 00:27:05,720 --> 00:27:06,687 Ta. 465 00:27:08,120 --> 00:27:10,851 Got any...medicinals? 466 00:27:13,480 --> 00:27:15,482 - Just your usual? - Aye. 467 00:27:20,360 --> 00:27:21,327 Got any mair? 468 00:27:21,400 --> 00:27:23,289 Naw, that's all I've got the noo, actually. 469 00:27:24,720 --> 00:27:26,370 Do you want the plant? 470 00:27:26,440 --> 00:27:28,044 Aye. 471 00:27:34,320 --> 00:27:37,051 And maybe something a wee bit stronger. 472 00:27:37,120 --> 00:27:38,724 Cocaine? 473 00:27:38,800 --> 00:27:43,044 Aye. Gie's, er...11 kilos. 474 00:27:55,400 --> 00:27:56,970 You're gonnae need something to guard all that stuff wi', mate. 475 00:27:57,040 --> 00:27:58,280 Aye. 476 00:28:01,760 --> 00:28:05,207 - Kalashnikov? - Aye, gie's that. 477 00:28:08,040 --> 00:28:10,884 I've got some poppy seeds as well, if you want to get into the opium. 478 00:28:10,960 --> 00:28:12,530 Aye, I've got some o' them. 479 00:28:12,600 --> 00:28:16,446 But I've no really got the expertise to cultivate a poppy field. 480 00:28:16,520 --> 00:28:18,568 Aye. Er... 481 00:28:23,080 --> 00:28:26,243 - An Afghan poppy farmer? - Aye. 482 00:28:32,680 --> 00:28:35,047 - How much is that? - Er... 483 00:28:36,120 --> 00:28:38,930 678,335 quid, mate. 484 00:28:39,000 --> 00:28:41,048 Right. D'ye take gingies? 485 00:28:41,120 --> 00:28:42,326 Oh, aye, of course, aye. 486 00:28:50,303 --> 00:28:55,603 487 00:28:55,653 --> 00:29:00,203 Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0